The Archbishop Of Westminster
Vaughan House
46 Francis Street
London
SQ1P 1QN

10/10/2007

Dear Archbishop,

May I start by saying what a pleasure it is to be writing to you and I can only apologise that it has to be in the form of a complaint. I know that this is not your fault personally but do feel somewhat let down by the whole situation.

I have been a member of the Catholic Church for my whole life and have always been happy with the way my queries have been dealt with, as well as having met some wonderful people along the way within your churches.

Some time before last summer (although I hesitate to use the word 'summer' with the amount of rainfall we had last year!) a friend of mine gave me some Brussels sprout seeds. Not being a particularly keen horticulturist myself I didn’t really have much intention of ever planting them. Probably sensing this (and knowing my competitive nature) my friend bet me that he could grow better sprouts than me. I dubiously accepted the bet, which was for nothing more than pride.

I have always been impressed by the number and variety of saints the Catholic Church has to offer and quickly began searching for a saint to suit my needs. I was both happy and very surprised when I found St. Michael The Archangel, who happened to be the patron saint of Brussels. Having previously browsed your saint database out of curiosity I knew there were saints for many different things but never expected to find one so specific to my situation!

After digging up a small patch of lawn in one corner of my garden, I planted the seeds and left them. I immediately began praying to St. Michael to watch over my sprouts and help them if needed, and continued to do so each night from then on. I would like to point out at this stage that I did not consider this cheating; although one of the conditions of the bet was that we had no help from other people, I did not think it fair that this should apply to someone who lived and died many centuries ago.

I became concerned when after 3 weeks there was no sign of life from the seeds. My friend already had some healthy-looking shoots emerging from his soil and had begun to gloat. Nevertheless I kept praying every night, confident that St. Michael would come to the rescue.

After 3 months it was clear that my sprouts were never going to grow. I conceded the bet to my smug-looking friend whose delicious sprouts we ate with our Sunday lunch, while I listened to him explain to me the complexities involved in good horticulture.

I feel very dismayed that St. Michael did not assist me with the very thing he is supposed to deal with. I find it difficult to believe that he receives a large number of requests for these things and would have thought that he would be only too happy to help out. But it is clear that he did nothing to help my sprouts. In fact, if anything, he actually prevented them from growing!

I am starting to question the format of my prayers. I generally pray inside my head before I go to sleep, but when I realised that this wasn’t working I tried praying at various times of the day and in various places, sometimes out loud. None of this appeared to make the slightest bit of difference.

I have formed a few possible theories as to why St. Michael didn’t answer me and would like to know what you think. These theories are listed below:

• St. Michael believed that by asking him for help I was in fact cheating and therefore rightfully prevented my sprouts from growing
• St. Michael no longer deals with Brussels sprouts and has moved to another sector
• I wasn’t addressing St. Michael properly (I often called him Mikey, when perhaps I should have used his full title of St. Michael The Archangel?)
• St. Michael had more important matters to attend to
• St. Michael doesn’t speak English
• I was thinking my prayers too fast or not clearly enough for him to understand
• Mikey got mine and my friend’s sprouts mixed up and helped my friend’s instead

I am very keen to hear any advice you have to offer which might improve my success rate for any future prayers. I feel I have received uncharacteristically bad service on this occasion and would appreciate some idea as to why. I don't know if you know St. Michael personally, but I do feel it may be worth considering disciplinary action against him if this type of behaviour continues.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely,

Ben Jameson